Old Jokes
I've probably already posted most of these before, but one day, about a year ago, I pretended that I was a writer for a comedian and tried writing a bunch of jokes. Here we go.

Sometimes I wake up at night in a cold sweat from a nightmare and I try to hurry up and go back to bed because it's like getting into a scary movie for free.

I saw a man running next to a grave yard and I just had to laugh at the futility of it all, well until I almost choked to death on the cheeseburger I was eating. I stopped laughing after that.

The first time I make love to a woman it's going to be special, and I don't mean like with a retarded girl. I mean like with candles around and nice music and such.

If it was between you and me I would really hope that it would be me. Well if we were talking about winning a million dollars and not about the guilty person in a murder case.

One thing I know for sure is that if you want something off of the 99 cent menu you better have more than 99 cents or else you're not getting it.

One thing that we can learn from old people is to use sunblock. Man, just look at all their wrinkles.

I think they got it all wrong when they said that money was the root of all evil. I think it's the devil that's the root of all evil and money is just nice to have a lot of.

i may not have rims, a big old chain, or gold teeth, but hell don't all those things just look gaudy anyway?

i may not be strong or smart or good looking, but i'm the best me i know and you could never be me as good as i am myself.

If I could take one thing back that I've done it would probably be buying that corvette from the used car salesman with grandma's cancer treatment money. I would have got the Camaro instead.